Monday, 11 May 2009

Question of Switzerland #6

My friend Matt wants to raise his child to be a monkey, attaching tiny weights to the arms and legs when young to build up strength from an early age, regular hair removal so that it gets well hairy and placing things up high so it gets good at climbing. How would you raise your ideal child and what would it become?

Dan Button:

Cube Boy

Similar to those square melons you can buy, my child will be grown inside a box. Their shoulders, bum, knees and heels will be the 8 corners with their skins, muscles and other bones making up the gaps between. The child will also be able to transform a la Wall-E. They will be used for various things such as using as a step to reach for things or if escaping from an evil doers hideout, I can throw my child under a closing door to use as a wedge to aid my escape. They are also easily stored away. I love you Cube Boy.

Scott Ballantyne:

Being able to actually implement this in a couple of months, I plan on raising my child (either sex) to become an assassin. Get them using small arms and blades from an early age, practice on targets pre-selected by myself (so don't piss me off on the tube, in the street, anywhere), and eventually at around the age of 4 or 5 hire them out for political or crime related assassinations. Who's going to suspect a cute little kid?? I'll soon be a bloody millionaire. And the kid? The kid will maybe get some new toys? or ammo? whichever they need more??

Barrie Lundie:

My first thought here is that I'd very much like to raise my child, Rod Munch as a paedophile. You see no one has ever raised a child to be one, they just seem to find their own natural path there sometimes. I will raise him on internet grot instead of bedtime stories, when he goes to the park, he will be forced to stand outside in a bush watching the other 'normal' kids play, rather than go on the swings. I want him to be completely desensitized by everything he sees so that he'll have to find something even more depraved to satisfy his needs. My boy will be the first ever paedo to molest a sperm.

Then I'll grass him up to the rozzers, get him banged up where he belongs. I mean... We can't have that beast running around the streets now can we?

Thanks for your time.

James Hearson:

I'd like to have a ginger boy. Train him to play in midfield. Then I could call him Scholesy.

Jamie wilson:

I'd train my brood to behave like the Lemmings from the popular computer game. There would have to be strict method enforced from a young age, for example, they would all be locked up in the attic for a pre-determined amount of time,before being released into the house. It would be a process of natural selection, because the only ones who survive the first 'obstacle' would be the ones that understood the umbrella method of dropping into the house. Then, there would have to be some 'walls', the little guys who stop the rest from falling off edges, that is a must. There would have to be plenty of spares, and I would have to minimize the possibility of actually getting attached to any of them, especially the 'exploders'!

Question of Switzerland #5

Would you prefer a cock but all your fingers are cocks or prefer to have all your fingers but have a finger for a cock?

Dan Button:

I'd have a finger for a cock because so I could beckon ladies with it.

CJ Wilson:

Imagine how much pleasure you could give to multiple women with cock fingers!
i'd still go with finger cock though, coz a finger for a cock is better than no cock at all!

Esme Tearle:

I would have cocks for fingers so I could finally satisfy my gaping arsehole. LOL!!! *cries*

Arthur Roper Newman:

I don't think you've thought this through, a childrens TV series named Cock Fingers Button would be hugely popular. I see it as a chickle brothers style where everyday tasks become comedic as a result of your inability to 'consitantly grip things' ie. when you get 10 hard ons and pass out because all the blood has gone to your hands then wake as a fit bird is helping you but she doesn't bargain on ten doses of button muck. The scripts write themselves.

James Loizou:

What about 1 finger for a cock and 10 cocks?

Dan Calahan:

For girls,

would you rather a nose for a twat (and keep your nose on your face) OR a minge for a nose (and keep your pussy in the right place)?

Remember: both still work, so your nose CAN smell, and you've just got to hope your gash DON'T.

Stef Isendahl:

Cock fingers would give major satisfaction when flicking the Vs.
And when fingering the VJJs.

Richie Starbuck:

I have little chubby fingers, would that mean i would have little chubby cocks?

Esme Tearle:

Girls: Would you prefer kittens and puppies for fingers and a pretty sparkly thing for a cunt, or cakes and flowers for fingers and a singing happy unicorn for your special lady hole?

Richie Starbuck:

Cos if i had lots of chubby little cocks as fingers it would become an issue for me, i might have to wear gloves all the time.........................but then again i could pretend to be Spider Man!

Baudelaire Valentine:

Would your cock fingers have exactly the same attributes as your actual cock?

James Hearson:

Would you end up with pubes between the webs of your cocks in place of fingers? And do you have the equivilent amount of ball sacks hanging there too? Do thumbs remain as thumbs?

Question of Switzerland #4

You've a month to live and £1 million in the bank from OK Magazine. What you gonna do? Where you gonna go? How you gonna do it? Who you gonna do?

Jaclyn Suarez:

1. new kickass apt - $20,000 a month
2. lipo - $4,000
3. shopping - $100,000
4. huge party in my new kickass apt, fly all my friends to nyc for huge kickassy party in new kickassy apt - $20,000. party will last 4 days.
5. then i am going to africa to bang the shizz out of game ranger - $10,000 (not sure how i would make that happen, but i would)

let's see where that takes me. i still have 1.5 million US$ left. and not enough time to spend it. brilliant. i will give the rest to ben randall and co. or something like that.

Barry Lundie:

Riiiiiiiight. 1 month aye? I would invest.

Dan Button:

I'd hang out with Jade, double our money yeah.

Richie Starbuck:

I would spend all the money on a 8ft tall gold statue of myself with a small 2ft statue of Jamie (my brother) next to it cos i would murder him just before i die, oh and prostitutes.............

Baudelaire Valentine:

Buy as much porn as possible and see how long it takes me to watch it....oh and sort out my will so that I could bequeath it to all the people I know.

Question of Switzerland #3

TV Show, Presenter and co host.

Dan Button:

Cooking with Cats hosted by Ted Rogers and Linda Lusardi

Amateur Hospital with Dr Fox and Richard Blackwood

Barry Lundie:

Don't forget your Enema Kit hosted by chris evans and susan sarandon

Stef Isendahl:

Show title: Incest!
Tag line: "The game the whole family can play"
Hosted by Bruce Forsyth
Sample host-competitor interaction:
"In the mouth, dear, in the mouth"

James Hearson

Celebrity Drug Abuse "LIVE".

Presented by Davina Mccall (Back on the skag).

Following the exploits of various different celebs swapping needles, stashes. Filmed in the Dorchester Hotel, the first two celebs to pass out each day are subject to a public vote to see who gets evicted. Many zany tasks are to be carried out such as Twister on LSD & the 100m coke line race. Line up T.B.C.

Jamie Wilson:

'Shit Yourself for Fun'

hosted by Johnny Vegas and June Sarpong.
the hosts and their guests take it in turn to shit their pants, wearing an assortment of jazzy coloured trouers ranging from loose sarrong type fit to indecently tight drain pipe cut leather trousers. guests are encouraged to gurn throughout the act to generate the biggest audience reaction.

tag line; We shit and you giggle!

Marion Louise Atkinson:

Cock Swap: Two families, usually from vastly different social classes and lifestyles, swap their husband's/dad's cocks for two weeks.The show will usually deliberately swap cocks with extreme polar opposite lifestyles.
During the first week, the new cock must adhere to the exact same rules and lifestyle of the cock it is replacing. Each leaves a house manual which explains the cock's role in the family and the duties it holds. During the second week, the new cocks are allowed to establish their own rules, and their new families must adhere to these new household rules. It usually takes a while for the families to adjust to this policy.

Bryony Dearman:

Britain's got the Jeremy Kyle factor on ice"
hosted by Natasha Kaplinsky and David Blunkett
warring chav couples are coached by Anton de beck and This Morning agony aunt Denise Roberts to create a three minute interpretational dance on the slippery stuff which accurately conveys the nature of their heartache, and (where appropriate in subsequent weeks) the difficult steps that they are taking to rebuild their lives. Panel judges would include Max Clifford, Ulrikka Jonnson and Ashley Cole

Question of Switzerland #2

The 2009 Death List

(those with the most correct guesses at the end of the year will receive an original Hero of Switzerland illustration)

Jamie Starbuck:

My top five to die this year.

1. Gazza.
2. Russ Abbot.
3. Debbie McGhee.
4. Sean Connery.
5. Paul Daniels (after Debbie)

Dan Button:

Top five to die this no particular order

1. Patrick Swayze (earlier than reported)
2. Leslie Phillips
3. Gazza
4. Richard Attenborough
5. John Motson

Esme Tearle:

1. Steve Jobs
2. Fidel Castro
3. Jade Goody
4. Norman Wisdom
5. Margaret Thatcher

That was list of my 'Top five to die this year' by the way, not my 'would' list.

Bryn Jones:

Isn't choosing people suffering from illnesses a bit of a cheat? if not i want goody, evil knievel and swayze to replace the last three. but for now i'm in with 1. Peter Sallis 2. Kirk Douglas 3. Jim Bowen 4. Charlie Watts 5. Dudley Sutton from lovejoy.

Marion Louise Atkinson:

1-Barack Obama
3-Amy Winehouse
4-Bruce Forsyth
5-Patrick Duel

Jamie Wilson

1.Wendy Richards (gas fire combustion)
2.Marradonna (struck down by a vengeful hand of God)
3.John McCririck (trampled to death by the crowd at Doncaster)
4.Lindsay Lohan (internal bleeding)
5.Bruce Forsyth (hypothermia resulting in pneumonia)

Ben Randall:

1.the queen

pile up on the M4

James Hearson:

1, Patrick Kielty - In a horrible painful time consuming manor.
2, Hugh Hefner - Chronic constipation.
3, Paris Hilton - Car Crash
4, Chris Moyles - Stabbed by hoodie
5, Zane Lowe - Stabbed by me

I'd feel a wee bit guilty if any of these people do die this year. Except Patrick Kielty. There is no place for him on this planet.

Rob Plant:

1. Steve Jobs (bad Aids)
2. Amy Whinehouse ( OD on glue )
3. The Queen ( Shot on hunt)
4. Jeremy Clarkson ( Run over )
5. Norman Wisdom ( Sadness)

Bryony Dearman:

1.Ian Paisley(a girl can dream)
2.Margaret Thatcher (if you're gonna dream, do it properly)
3.Mr T (I pity the fool . . . .)
4.Mel Gibson (*cough*karma)
5.George Foreman (high cholesterol)

Scott Ballantyne:

My 5 to kick the bucket....

1. Sir Bobby Robson
2. Prince Phillip
3. The Queen
4. Michael Parkinson
5. Pete Doherty


1. Bobby Charlton (combover based fatality)
2. Patrick Moore (found dead with xmas decs still up from 2007)
3. Dot Cotton (lung cancer)
4. Gazza (massive anal injuries in barrymore's swimming pool)
5. Bill Cosby (token)

Question of Switzerland #1

If god was alive/existed, what would you ask him?

Stef Isendahl: "Explain yourself, fucker"

Dzantos Andros: "Who's your favourite member of Westlife?"

Julia Heap: Just tell us what happened, why are we creating some sort of man made vortex below Switzerland to try and figure it all out?! You are probably laughing at us now you bugger because the scientific dudes got it all completely wrong!

Emma Deal: I'd ask him why Dan's stealing questions from the back of buses.

CJ Wilson: Seriously god, gingers... what WERE you thinking?

Jamie Wilson: God, Sir, what were you thinking? Making man in your own image you ego maniac. Judging by the rest of us you must be one fucked up individual. Fancy a bum?

Nordahl Ballingall: Why don't u shave? This long white beard is just ridiculous. Sacrebleu!!!

James Hearson: For a sandwich.

Jason Lockward: What's the deal with having Llamas and Alpacas, do we need both?

Jaclyn Suarez: i'd ask him how in GD hell you go from dinosaurs to people. Shit just ain't natural progression. What were you thinking jesus, you fucker!

Richard Lundie: Why am I deaf in one ear? And why did you make it so that only completly deaf people can have cochlear implants? Lucky cunts!

I didn't mean that god. sorry.

stop frame with wolf and pig