Question of Switzerland #6

My friend Matt wants to raise his child to be a monkey, attaching tiny weights to the arms and legs when young to build up strength from an early age, regular hair removal so that it gets well hairy and placing things up high so it gets good at climbing. How would you raise your ideal child and what would it become?

Dan Button:

Cube Boy

Similar to those square melons you can buy, my child will be grown inside a box. Their shoulders, bum, knees and heels will be the 8 corners with their skins, muscles and other bones making up the gaps between. The child will also be able to transform a la Wall-E. They will be used for various things such as using as a step to reach for things or if escaping from an evil doers hideout, I can throw my child under a closing door to use as a wedge to aid my escape. They are also easily stored away. I love you Cube Boy.

Scott Ballantyne:

Being able to actually implement this in a couple of months, I plan on raising my child (either sex) to become an assassin. Get them using small arms and blades from an early age, practice on targets pre-selected by myself (so don't piss me off on the tube, in the street, anywhere), and eventually at around the age of 4 or 5 hire them out for political or crime related assassinations. Who's going to suspect a cute little kid?? I'll soon be a bloody millionaire. And the kid? The kid will maybe get some new toys? or ammo? whichever they need more??

Barrie Lundie:

My first thought here is that I'd very much like to raise my child, Rod Munch as a paedophile. You see no one has ever raised a child to be one, they just seem to find their own natural path there sometimes. I will raise him on internet grot instead of bedtime stories, when he goes to the park, he will be forced to stand outside in a bush watching the other 'normal' kids play, rather than go on the swings. I want him to be completely desensitized by everything he sees so that he'll have to find something even more depraved to satisfy his needs. My boy will be the first ever paedo to molest a sperm.

Then I'll grass him up to the rozzers, get him banged up where he belongs. I mean... We can't have that beast running around the streets now can we?

Thanks for your time.

James Hearson:

I'd like to have a ginger boy. Train him to play in midfield. Then I could call him Scholesy.

Jamie wilson:

I'd train my brood to behave like the Lemmings from the popular computer game. There would have to be strict method enforced from a young age, for example, they would all be locked up in the attic for a pre-determined amount of time,before being released into the house. It would be a process of natural selection, because the only ones who survive the first 'obstacle' would be the ones that understood the umbrella method of dropping into the house. Then, there would have to be some 'walls', the little guys who stop the rest from falling off edges, that is a must. There would have to be plenty of spares, and I would have to minimize the possibility of actually getting attached to any of them, especially the 'exploders'!